None of us sleep enough, but we need to remind ourselves why we should
I’m extremely lucky that sleepless nights with regular wake ups are now several years behind us. It’s convenient that a lack of sleep warps the brain, because I can’t quite recall how awful it was at the time. We know sleep has a negative impact on mental wellbeing, this has been well established by decades of research, and yet we live in a society where women are routinely expected to be sleep deprived whilst also trying to raise little humans.
It’s not particularly surprising then when you see research that shows that fathers experience greater wellbeing than mothers. Once a baby enters the mix they very quickly go back to ‘normal’ life whereas for the mother, they are physically and mentally changed and abruptly no longer part of the workforce, which although often welcome, can still be a shock after years crafting our work identities.
It’s so common for the breadwinner - who goes out to work - to have more protected sleep, because he (and it is usually a he) needs to function in an office with real humans, and provide for the family. I would argue that it’s more important for the person in charge of a helpless human to be well rested, but often when in survival mode, you do what you can to get through, and practically speaking in our case, I had to be up anyway as I was breastfeeding.
That said, support with nappies, comforting or bottle feeding all helps. I also found it fascinating to read about numerous studies that showed that fathers who take parental leave help more at night too and remain more engaged years later. Shared parental leave uptake in the UK is sadly embarrassingly low.
Of course a lot of this is a policy issue rather than pointing fingers at individuals - households need money and so the primary earner often can’t take much parental leave if it’s not paid (In the UK dads get two weeks at statutory pay). I uncovered for my upcoming (well Summer 2025) book that there’s also a huge bias prevents men for asking flexibility for caregiving, even if company policy apparently supports it - with all sorts of consequences on how we view men who care, which I delve into in one of the chapters, more on that closer to publication.
But back to sleep, and if there’s one gift to give someone that money can’t buy, sleep should surely be it. Sometimes it’s luck, sometimes nothing works, but there are evidence-based improvements we can call upon.
I covered some excellent research about bedtime routines recently and realised we could all do with one - but for children they can be ‘fairy dust’. A consistent bedtime routine helps us all wind down. A lack of sleep can contribute to disrupted behaviour, so prioritising sleep in your household will make day-to-day parenting easier - in theory... As I write this I recall many times where I was trying to put the two year old bed with a screaming, over tired infant in my arms, so please know, we have seen it all in this household. There were also weeks on end when my toddler would refuse sleep when I was putting him to bed, but be out in moments when my partner was home, meaning any solo evenings meant two hours of trying to settle him, knowing he’d be exhausted the next day.
Still, a major reason I’ve managed to write during my evenings is because for the most part, we’ve stuck with a consistently early bed time since birth, and we try and follow the same (very basic) routine, almost every day, with an expectation of when that occurs. It does mean earlier wake ups too, but later bed times (e.g. on holiday) has still resulted in early mornings, so an early bed time made the most sense.
Parents often follow routines in the baby years but once school starts and the rush of clubs, playdates and meal times means it’s easy to let bed times slide later and later. I spoke with sleep expert Julie Mindel, a psychologist who specialises in sleep at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia and she gave the following advice, for all ages:
A consistent bedtime routine is the perfect combination of quality family time and activities that benefit children’s development. It can have a positive impact on children’s mood and behaviour, emotional development, and performance at school. Inconsistent bedtime routines, on the other hand, can make children more resistant to going to bed when asked and increase parental stress.
Her three evidence-based recommendations for helping children sleep well:
an age-appropriate, regular bedtime,
a consistent bedtime routine,
teaching them to fall asleep independently.
“Earlier is better”, she says, when it comes to what time your child goes to bed. “Children who go to bed earlier, between 7 and 8pm, fall asleep faster, wake less often at night and, most importantly, get more sleep overall.” This resonates with what I see at home: My children still get up early even if they have the odd late night. And this means that everyone is grumpier the next day. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that 3- to 5-year-olds sleep for 10-13 hours, while 6- to 12-year-olds should sleep for 9-12 hours in a 24-hour period.
You can read the full article here. And if you are a man and a father (in a heterosexual couple), and have flexibility available to you at work, use it. Do the school pick up when you can, be present for bed times and meal times as much as possible. It won’t only do wonders for bonding with your family, but also for marital happiness as well as your bank balance, as in theory your support means an easier bed time routine for all too. If she works, your partner can then spend a little more time focussing on her own career advancement too, without a mind full of recipes, club pick ups and dentist appointments (for tips on sharing the mental load, go back and read this).
And if there’s anything that’s worked well for you and keeps you well rested, do share below.
The Motherhood Complex is available from most book stores. Breadwinners is out in summer 2025
Read it? I would love to know what you think, or even better, leave me an Amazon review (you can do this regardless of where it was bought) - this really helps first time authors like me.
Questions or comments? You can reply to this post or I’m on X Facebook and Instagram.