End of day outbursts are completely normal (but still stressful)
Every September, I seem to have forgotten just how exhausting the new start of school is for little brains. Every single year for the last five years (since my first started pre-school) those long days in their new year exhaust them in ways that other activities rarely do.
I’m here to tell you that while it’s hard, it will pass. My seven-year-old has, for the past two years, coped extremely well with the return - in a way she did not when she was five. Her little brother, on the other hand, is so exhausted when he comes home that I’m not allowed to ask him about his day, or in fact, to talk to him at all. His only way of dealing with his exhaustion is lashing out verbally or physically. While it might seem as though we should punish or berate this seemingly “bad behaviour”, reframing it helps. It’s not bad behaviour, it’s a lack of emotional regulation after a day of holding it in.
At the very end of their day, tired children have often held their emotions inside of them at school or childcare for hours on end, but they can explode once back at home. The fact that they do so with us is a sign of feeling securely attached. They are able to show all their positive and negative emotions while in their safe space. Of course, this doesn't make it any easier. If, like me, you look forward to spending some quality time with them at the end of the day, it can leave you feeling extra disappointed when it’s more stress than fun.
When we're screamed at, a rush of cortisol flows to the brain and can momentarily stunt our (usually) rational response system. We snap more easily as our brain is signalling extreme discomfort as a way to help us find a way to alleviate the situation. But as rational adults, we can train ourselves to pause before reacting.
The best thing we can do for them in the moment is to continue to be present, remind them that we are there for them, even if they are pushing us away. This isn’t easy when being shouted at - made worse if we ourselves are sleep deprived or distracted by work deadlines. One strategy I’ve learnt that has helped enormously is something called “cognitive reappraisal”. This involves reframing a stressful experience as either neutral or positive (and this can work for any relationship/life event). In the heat of the moment when our kids are misbehaving, it can seem as though they are doing it on purpose – or worse, we get so triggered by tantrums that we aren’t thinking about intent at all and instinctively react with anger.
I’ve learnt that the best thing to do is to pause, breathe and reframe the situation in my mind. My toddler isn’t lashing out because he wants to hurt me or cause me frustration – he is over-stimulated, exhausted and this is his own stress response spilling over into the physical. One 2021 paper defines it the following way:
“In terms of coping with family stress, cognitive reappraisal is an important strategy for reframing stressful situations more positively to decrease emotional strain, support family emotional and social functioning, and clarify circumstances in more manageable terms.”
The author of the work, Patty Kuo, told me that this ability to reframe negative events is even harder for women who put too much pressure on themselves to be a “perfect caregiver”, which only serves to amplify this sort of stress.
The more stressed we are, the harder it is to be ourselves. The better we are at reframing their outbursts, the easier it will be for us to be there for them as sensitive caregivers, responding to their needs with calmness and compassion.
It’s not easy, but understanding the processes at play helps me to cope in the moment. And sometimes I simply walk away for a few minutes, collect my breath and return when feeling calmer myself.
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The Motherhood Complex is available from most book stores. Breadwinners is out in summer 2025
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I appreciate that you’re trying to normalize the experience so many parents of school age children have, especially at the beginning of the year. And I think remembering why these behaviours/feelings are showing up in big ways is extremely important (so we can respond empathically). But I wish parents could hold the education system to a higher standard of care for our children, and ask questions like, does this happen everywhere in the world? Are all school age children everywhere this strung out by schooling? That would be one way to measure the “normalcy” of the experience. Are there ways that school systems and teachers could mitigate the children’s stress by perhaps asking less of the children in the first week or two, giving them more time to move their bodies, periods of rest throughout the day, etc. just throwing ideas out there. I hate to overuse a word, but it feels a bit gaslighty to just call it “normal” and get on with the very hard work of raising little humans.