Can you change your personality?
And if you can, should you?
Are you an introvert, an extrovert or a bit of both? Perhaps you thought you were one, but things have shifted as you’ve aged.
I think many of us fall between the two - and as we age, our personality can change too. Ever since I’ve had children I’ve been confronted with aspects of my personality which up to this point, hadn’t really surfaced often - or if they had, in short bursts. My impatience at waiting for a train or plane was infrequent, now my patience is tested daily when leaving the house for work and getting the kids ready for school. Losing sense of your agency whilst getting out the door fast is testing in a way I hadn’t imagined.
A last minute toilet break, sock refusal, shoe refusal, toothpaste on clothes, a spill, refusing to cycle, you get the idea. If only I could learn to be a little more patient, I often think to myself, then I could start the day without feeling so stressed. It’s not their fault that we have to rush out the door (and it’s thankfully much easier these days).
I was reassured to learn though that we can change our personality, with some conscious effort. It’s perhaps why many people can switch from acting introverted to more extraverted depending on who we are with, as we tend to mirror the moods and energy of the people we meet, which is actually a really great evolutionary trait. To be empathetic and in tune with others, means we can more easily get along with people.
If you are stuck feeling one way or the other, research shows that should we wish to, we can change our personality, it just requires some work. If you’ve ever met someone and struggle to come up with something to say, and you feel like you want to escape from the awkward silence, know that you can steer the conversation by acting curious, warm and by asking plenty of questions - something my friend David Robson’s book, Laws of Connection, explains beautifully (he has a great new newsletter too: 60 Second Psychology). It’s not a quick fix to a meaningful conversation, but can be a sure way to feel more connected with someone you might otherwise have dismissed.
Of course it’s a given that change is constant, and as I say in the film above, shifting our personality does not fundamentally change who we are, but simply shows we can all learn to respond to life’s unique challenges in new ways.
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