That toxic feeling all mothers experience
Two years ago I became a mother for the second time. It was also, in hindsight, the time when that dreaded, internalised feeling of “mum guilt” came to the forefront most aggressively. It had been there before too, lurking quietly, but there’s nothing like two infants screaming for your attention at the same time, and the subsequent feeling of not being enough for both of them, to drill it in even more.
A was born by planned C-section on a Friday morning – so what followed was a mostly blissful anaesthetised start of a day full of feeding and cuddles, away from the brewing chaos of a half-renovated house (with no kitchen) and a spirited toddler.
The day after his birth my mother took our eldest, (then two years old) to the hospital to meet her baby brother. As many had advised, he was in the cot beside my bed so she wouldn’t immediately see him in my arms, once reserved for only her. Excited, she jumped up onto my bed and I winced with the pain of moving to try to prevent her from touching my wound. The result, she immediately howled – of course she noticed that something was different, that I was in pain, that I hesitated before holding her, that our cuddle was compromised. She was hard to calm down and so her loud cries meant she couldn’t stay for long. I expected her to react emotionally and perhaps display some jealousy, but I still felt guilty that I couldn’t be the one to comfort her.
Pretty much every mother I have met – including my own – has spoken of that feeling of not doing or being enough, of doing something slightly wrong, unusual or something we might be judged for. If we have a second child, we feel guilty for it too, even though it’s so ordinary for a child to have siblings. Before having a second, mums often report feeling worried that they won’t love each child equally, a worry that usually subsides quickly. That’s why my forthcoming book explores just why this feeling is so pervasive and so toxic:
One thing mothers have in common is that feeling of guilt, that we are never quite doing enough. There are so many forces at play that make this almost inevitable, from the pressures of intensive mothering, to the pursuit of perfection to our ever-present mother’s worry. Guilt is another contributing factor for burnout – the feelings stem from how high our expectations are for ourselves, coupled with social comparisons. It’s ingrained.
“Mum guilt” is banded about extremely loosely, which in itself is revealing. We know it’s common and so we expect to feel it. Sociologists say that motherhood guilt is intrinsically tied to the idea of being an “ideal mother” and the sense that we have to do everything perfectly all the time. That and a societal infrastructure that means we are stretched at work and at home, meaning we often cannot give enough time to either domain. If we prioritise one area, the other suffers.
This ingrained experience is damaging on many levels – it feeds into why we constantly try to do more; why we (mothers) take on a lot of the hidden mental work, and why we feel bad if we don’t handle an outburst with gentle composure and calm that the parenting books advise us to. It can make us feel as though we have failed if our experience doesn’t follow suit.
It’s important to recognise these feelings because until we do, we’ll keep feeling unnecessarily guilty. Understanding this means I felt fine about sending our two-year-old to childcare on his birthday – they were able to have a little party for him which we legally cannot do – and he got to see all his little friends. He was up at 5 am so we could not have put in the same level of energy and attention he gets there. We get to enjoy that final hour before bedtime, rather than feeling stretched and overtired. Besides, we can always celebrate more, guilt free, another day.
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My book is published in two weeks in the UK - if you’re interested in how motherhood changes us – it explains why. Pre-orders really make a difference to first time authors like me. The Motherhood Complex (out May 27th) is available on Hive, Waterstones, Foyles or Amazon and all other stores. It’s also available on e-book and audiobook.
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