Let them help (and embrace the mess in the process)
If you’ve got any windows that children can reach - then you will know just how often they are covered in finger prints. You’ve probably also realised that getting out water and a sponge in order to clean them, means the kids will want to get involved.
I had my soapy water ready and each child independently got out their own microfiber cloth and started to ‘help’ me - meaning water splashed everywhere, the windows were drenched and became water stained and it generally made the whole job messier and three times slower. It was no use telling them that one cloth needs to stay dry to wipe off any excess water. Every single cloth got wet.
It was tempting to ask them to stop, to distract them and tell them to just ‘go away and play’. I bit my tongue though. Helping me *is* a form of play, and it serves an extremely useful purpose in family life. (As the photo above shows, the same applies to sweeping or well, any types of cleaning.)
I recently wrote a short blog for the Bold Blog about how “nourishing natural helpfulness early may promote helpful behaviour in the future.” As the post explains, it has to be real help, distracting them with “mock-work” can demotivate their desire to help later on. Here’s a short except of it, you can read the full post on the link above:
The next time you’re around a toddler you know, try this simple mini experiment: Purposely drop something on the floor near them but act as though it were an accident. Perhaps exclaim ‘oh no!’ Next, observe how they respond. Chances are, the toddler will notice what happened, understand it was an accident, and instinctively pick up the dropped object to hand back to you, as researchers have replicated numerous times in a range of scenarios. They will even do this for strangers.
Most parents will agree that they want children to help around the house – and yet this is often a struggle, especially in the teenage years. Research suggests that all children are naturally helpful, and parents play a crucial role in keeping it this way. I remember my son toddling over to fetch a cloth when I spilled something, without even being asked. He didn’t mop it up perfectly, but respecting his intention to help is more important than you might think.
“Research suggests that all children are naturally helpful, and parents play a crucial role in keeping it this way.”
Scientists have also found that toddlers will open doors for you, without prompting, if your hands are full. Yet kids who are rewarded with a toy for their help are less likely to help subsequently without a reward, while those who are not given a reward are more likely continue to act helpfully. Kids can also detect when help is actually needed – if they observe that an object is dropped on purpose, for example, they are not as likely to help.
This body of research suggests that our desire to help each other is a natural impulse. Indeed, it is an extremely important trait for our species. In many ways our success depends on how cooperative we are in groups – helpful behaviour is crucial for group cohesion. Moreover, two-year-olds display helpful behaviour even if their parent or caregiver is not there to observe it, suggesting that helpful behaviour is “spontaneous and intrinsically motivated”, the authors of one study report.
As for the windows, the next day they had new hand sized prints on them again anyhow - but at least the kids are slowly learning how to better clean them. I just need to be a little patient and embrace more mess in the short-term in order for them to learn how to be truly helpful. And if you want any convincing that mess in the short-term is useful later on, both my kids are now competent at sweeping and vacuuming, and they want to help out even when not asked to do so.
My book The Motherhood Complex is out now.
It’s available on Hive, Waterstones, Foyles or Amazon and all other stores. It’s also on e-book and audiobook. Read it? I would love to know what you think, or even better, leave me an Amazon review (you can do this regardless of where it was bought)- this really helps first time authors like me. Not in the UK? Free shipping abroad here.
Questions or comments? You can reply to this post or I’m on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.