How much do young children really understand about coronavirus?

“Daddy do you want to play football?” S asked, remembering he had despaired recently at not being able to play.

“Awww. Maybe when the coronavirus is gone you can play football,” she said.

I looked at her in awe. How can this child, who has only recently left toddlerhood, not only understand the idea of missing a favourite activity, but also that there is something out there preventing us from doing what we wish to do.

The simple explanation is because we told her, and that young children are remarkably good at empathy - they’re constantly watching and learning from us. We’ve explained that we can’t visit Oma in the Netherlands, or go swimming, or to the museum, or allow anyone inside our house, because of something called coronavirus. And these explanations stick.

Clearly, kids understand a lot more than we might think, albeit a simplistic version of what adults know. I hadn’t previously given much thought to how or why I explained things to her but after the football comment I did wonder if we were right to give a reason. Should we have obscured this relentless reality from her a little longer?

It’s hard to know the answer as we’re living in a real-life experiment, but in her world of constantly asking why, it seems fair to respond accurately. Of course, what we say has to be age appropriate. Exposing them to the truth about the severity of illness, can have damaging psychological effects.

How this pandemic impacts our children is not always under our control either and the effects of lockdowns can be harmful. One study looking at children aged between three and 18 in Italy and Spain during extreme restrictions, showed several concerning changes. Children found it hard to concentrate, experienced boredom, irritability and restlessness. They also felt nervous, lonely and worried.

The children who were completely locked inside showed the most emotional and behavioural changes, as could be expected. Parents’ stress levels also played a key role. The children of less-stressed parents showed fewer issues and high-stress environments were even shown to impact children’s sleep. School closures are devastating in many ways, especially for the most vulnerable children.

What’s not entirely clear is how much very young children truly understand of this strange situation beyond the facts we tell them. If we’re stressed they will pick up on that. If everything feels uncertain, they will pick up on that too, so telling them why we wear masks and why we wash our hands so often will hopefully make sense to them rather than cause them to worry.

If we have the luxury and mental wellness to do so, sensitive and caring parenting is key to resilience. Some promising insights show that even if relationships are under duress in the home, or if parents are facing mental challenges, as long as there is one constant (a sensitive, loving caregiver or sibling) it can help children to cope better during stressful conditions.

Psychologists say we’re right to tell the truth, but in a way the child can understand, and most importantly whatever we say to them, to put it in a context where they know everything is under control, giving them structure to their day where possible. They also say that we can ask and answer questions about new rituals, as this could expose any worries they have.

Last night I asked S if she knew what coronavirus was. While I have explained it before, I hadn’t considered asking her directly before writing this post. She said matter-of-factly: “It’s when people are sick.” She’s turns four in April but even last March, when she was not yet three, she reasoned that: “The playground will be open when the people aren’t sick.” To her this was a fact, rather than something that seemed daunting – and I hope to keep it that way.

When we explained that our Christmas trip to the Netherlands was cancelled, she solemnly nodded without fuss. It was heart-breaking to us that she accepted it so readily. In her little world, it has become normal for things not to happen. As long as we remain calm when explaining why, children can understand this. As for our 20-month-old, he doesn’t seem to know any difference at all.

Even if we can’t hide that things are a little stressful right now – especially the case for parents attempting to work while their children are at home, know that this is temporary. We will see our families again soon, and for our children it’s hard to differentiate between three weeks or three months.

It will be over. One day. Surely!

—

Get in touch, you can simply reply to this post or I’m also on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

 If you found this newsletter helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend.

My book - The Motherhood Complex  is available for preorder on Amazon. Hive, Waterstones, or Foyles