Boys will be... what we teach them to be
Whenever I hear something like '“that’s just what boys are like”, I often find myself having to refrain from telling other parents that we are socialised differently from day one - and numerous science studies show this.
Instead I’ll try to offer a counter view - well my son isn’t always like that, or, my daughter is loud and loves to climb trees too - and sure she used to love pink and sparkly dresses - but now she likes baggy jeans and “cool” t-shirts. The common denominator in all these preferences is based on what she sees other kids wearing. This has been the case from extremely early on.
And yet, so many parents seem to believe that because they offered “gender neutral” clothes or toys that weren’t favoured, these preferences are innate. One poster online wrote:
“I have seven children — 3 girls and 4 boys. They all had access to the same toys and resources. I was intentional about NOT giving them boys/girls things but letting them choose. And amazingly, overall, the girls chose ‘girly things’ and the boys chose weapons and cars and ‘boy stuff’. There is of course some cross over. But much of this is actually biological.”
Another parent wrote: “My boys asked for a dollhouse, and they put their cars and monster trucks in it and tuck them into bed. I got them a few dolls at 2 out of curiosity and they like to smash them with hammers.”
These logical fallacies gloss over the fact that precisely because we grow up in a gendered world, we often don’t realise our own biases either. We gloss over the non-gender-typical behaviour and add more salience to the gendered choices. As Cordelia Fine told me for an article a few years ago: Once children understand which “gender tribe” they belong to, they become more responsive to gender labels. Another expert, Christia Brown, told me: We disregard the behaviours that do not conform to the stereotypes we expect. “So you overlook all the times the boys are sitting there quietly reading a book or all the times that girls are running around the house loudly… Our brains seem to skip over what we call stereotype inconsistent information.” I experienced this firsthand recently. One mum I spoke to in a playground told me how her sons are so stereotypically boyish and loud, then in the same conversation said her other son could draw quietly for hours.
It’s extremely common for parents to want to bring up their children “gender neutral” and when they find that their boys like toy cars and girls prefer dolls, they say - ah well, nature wins out in the end. Their case study of 2 or 3 is enough to firmly put it in their minds that boys are naturally drawn to boyish things. And so I find some parents excuse certain behaviour from their sons and think that’s just how they are. The thing is, this then becomes self perpetuating.
I’ve witnessed parents glossing over rough and sometimes even violent behaviour their sons display, such as kicking each other. Similarly I’ve witnessed parents acting aghast if they saw similar behaviours from daughters, rushing over to apologise. And so you can see how these tiny patterns multiply.
The thing is, what toys kids play with may seem trivial, but this very play is linked to behaviour later on. When we emphasise boys as more dominant and rough, and girls as more empathic and caring - and give them toys that allow them to model these behaviours, they are likely to turn into adults who have similar expectations. It’s the “we need a man’s man in this company” kind of attitude that then permeates later on, which, when you look at leadership statistics, really matters. What’s especially aggravating is data shows that many younger men now believe that “equality has gone too far” and that men are being left behind. Statistics paint a different picture. Women are more educated than men at university level, but the gender pay gap continues to stubbornly persist.
And that’s just the workplace, gendered expectations in personal relationships can become extremely toxic too, especially when so many of us expect women to be the primary caregivers, meaning women cannot spend as much time or mental energy into pursuing their ambitions, and so you see how a small gender pay gap quickly begins to widen, relationship satisfactions decreases and a resulting power imbalance then disproportionally harms women. As my upcoming book explores, when women do pursue roles which earn more than their spouse, it can cause issues in the relationship - (luckily there are many positives too).
So without going into too much detail about the science, simply know this. We don’t parent in a vacuum - just because your sons prefer cars even though you offered them dolls, it doesn’t mean it’s innate. Kids are exposed to a gendered world even before they are born. I’ll put some links below for further reading, but really it boils down to the headline of this post, boys will be what we (as a society) teach them to be. It just so happens in our society most parents continue to perpetuate gender stereotypes, other children copy those around them, and it cements the view that socially conditioned traits are innate.
Further reading
The gender bias that shapes our brains
The myths of female/male brains
Other news
Mary Portas said these kind words about my book: “If I'd understood the weight of the invisible work I was doing as a breadwinner and young mother- if I'd had a book like this - I might have spoken up sooner, especially to myself.”
I experienced my first ever sound bath - and the process was filmed for the BBC. Watch it here ( I had a genuine reason to have a nice relaxing nap while at work).
Read my latest Bold blog on metacognition here - and check out their new newsletter course, which features some of my work.
Check out my BBC Video on ultra-processed food: Six food swaps for a healthier life
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